Friday, December 17, 2010

Why hello!

Sorry Ive been MIA for so long life has been crazy!!! good, but crazy! Cambria turned 1 on the 11th she also started walking about 3 months ago shes getting so big and so smart each day is like a new adventure!! Her birthday was amazing we had lots of great friends come celebrate with us and she got so many gifts, we also got family photo's done so I'll just post some pictures. It was literally freezing when we got our pictures done man lied!!

If I'm not able to post again before Christmas I hope everyone has an AMAZING Christmas and new year!
Mrs. B-Dub

Saturday, October 23, 2010

wanna be my frinnn? :)

I'm giving up on that whole 30 letters thing. I just don't have the time, the interest, or the patience to fight off Cambria from trying to "help" me type since nap times are spent cleaning and/or showering.

There's been a topic bothering lately and it's something I've kind of touched on before but I'm going to again. Adult friends/becoming parents, I do believe there is a chapter missing in the "What to expect when your expecting" book and that is Expect your inner circle to disappear and then change. The truth is, the people I was friends with before I became a mommy or even pregnant I really no longer talk to. I guess your no fun once you get married and then start having kids, or maybe I just grew up and realized I don't need any more drama in my already dramatic life. We all say that we changed drastically through out our pregnancies and even more so once we became mommies. Well the good mommies say that, I think the change is just a part of life and the good parents allow the change to happen and realize that they are no longer #1.

Since I moved back to the east coast I feel like I'm back in high school. Only this time I'm a freshman in a new school where I really don't know anyone cause the kids I meet during summer all ended up moving. I find once you've become a parent it's difficult to be friends with people that aren't. What I have realized is I am slightly lucky in that category as military folk tend to reproduce like rabbits :). So finding other moms around my age and situation is very easy however finding people who aren't crazy/overly judgmental isn't.

I like to think of myself as a pretty normal person, I mean your not going to hear about my marital issues every conversation( as I don't usually involve others that much into my personal drama).You will never hear me start a conversation with "Oh My Gawd you will not believe what so and so said/did" ( I'm a girl that wears a t-shirt, jeans, and flip flops/Birkenstocks to basically everything, I'm really not one to judge others especially by saying OMG). I don't lie, well I take that back actually we all lie but I truly try my hardest not to I think its pointless and only makes things worse in the end, this often gets me in trouble though cause apparently being outspoken and sometimes overly blunt/opinionated these days isn't a quality people tend to enjoy.
I often think of the movie/book he's just not that into you, remember the beginning of the movie where all the girls are making excuses for their friends to make them feel better? Yeah , I'm not that type of person if your telling me a situation hoping to hear that your super amazing and he just realized he's not good enough for you or he's scared of getting hurt blah blah blah, but to me it sounds like he's probably cheating on you or your just being a crazy B, well I'm sorry but I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear I'm just not the person to sugar coat things.
Any way its just hard finding friends that you can honestly enjoy your time with and know that there aren't any hidden motives or strings attached.

Mrs. B-Dub

Monday, October 11, 2010

Day 15. someone I miss the most.

Dear dozzer,
I miss you bubbies :(, daddy and your baby miss you too!! I cant wait for when we can come get you, and have a new house. mommy loves you and be nice to your new little sister cause shes coming too :)
Mrs. B-Dub

Day 14, someone Ive drifted away from.

dear world,
I know that Im a semi-new mom and this is normal but I do wish I new what was going on with you these days. my life has become quite pathetic actually for instance the most exciting thing to happen recently was my neighbors husband coming back into town a month after her boyfriend moved in...yeah Ive been waiting for this to happen. Any who I do hope to join you again one of these days.
sincerely, desperate housewife.

Mrs. B-Dub

Day 13. someone I wish I could forgive.

Dear sister in law,
Our relationship has forever been rocky, in the beginning my brother told me you were basically stalking him so I took matters into my own hands. Later he confessed that he did actually like you and lied to me, I'm not sure why he lied but at that time you were not helping the situation by making sure I could see you making out with him in public. I mean really for Pete's sake hes my little brother.
Since then your aunt told my mom the real reason my brother wasn't able to come to our grandpas funeral or even to visit grandma after he past, was in fact because your birthday was that weekend and you told him if he went you would break up with him. THAT is why I have hard feelings towards you, I mean really who does that? I and plenty others in our family have realized you have this idea in your head that basically your the shit and the world revolves around you. You control his life like its cool, for instance he can't even work on his truck at our parents house with out you calling every hour to see what hes doing and where he is. You planned a party for his 21st and failed to even mention it to our dad, need I remind you that when ever you guys have needed help or when your family kicked you out it was my mom and dad that were and are there for you. when your car broke down 30 minutes away from his moms in California our dad drove 8 hours out of his way to come get you guys.

Now even though I have a ton of reasons to hate you I see that my brother is happy, most of the time I'm really not sure why but he is. So I continue to try to forgive you and act like everything is okay. One of these days I plan to have a talk with you about all of this and I hope that we work everything out, so there it is.
Mrs. B-Dub

Day 12, the person I hate most.

This one I actually wont write because it would cause A LOT of family drama, I will say how ever I WILL NOT FORGIVE OR FORGET. :)

Mrs. B-Dub

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Day 11. Someone no longer with us.

this one is going to be hard.
Dear Grandpa,
There is so much I want to say to you, first off I'm sorry I never got to say good bye. I partially believe you let go when you did on purpose though. I think you didn't want me to see you like that and that's also why no one told me of your viewing. Parts of me wish you had held on for 11 more hours so I could have told you thank you and I love you. But at the same time knowing how much pain you were in, I would never wish more pain upon you for my own selfish guilt. You are the greatest man I have ever known and because of you we have an amazing family. Because of you I have an amazing life and had a chance to become the person I am today. I hate that the last time I saw you was almost three years ago, I hate that every time I called I would just ask to talk to grandma and the last actual conversation I had with you was when I was getting my fourth tattoo. You told me "Nah you don't need another tattoo, tattoo's are something you get when your 17 and in the navy" I am however glad we were able to laugh about that.
I would give almost anything for one more golf game or to be young again and fall asleep with you on your chair. I want you to know that I am sorry I became selfish and distant in my teen years. I just wish I had more time with you, I hope you know how much you mean to me and how much I truly loved you and cherished every moment I spent with you. I hope that you are proud of me and I promise to do my best with helping grandma. love you old man.
love, your honey babe.
Mrs. B-Dub

Day 10. Someone I dont talk to as much as I'd like.

Dear Elizabeth,
You have been my best friend since 5th grade, we were more sisters then friends. Our childhood was crazy and no matter where life takes us we always re-connect. I do hope we continue to grow close again and be important factors in each others lives.
Love, Jo.
Mrs. B-Dub

Day 9. who Id like to meet.

Dear, Sonny.
I don't know much about you other then you were my grandpa's oldest friend. You spent his navy career with him and his last year was spent planning a trip to see you. I know you live in Florida and that meeting you and speaking with you has been a major goal of mine since Grandpa passed 2 years ago. I do hope that one day we can meet and that you will talk with me.
Sincerely, Bills grand daughter.
Mrs. B-Dub

day8. favorite internet friend.

hmm I guess that would be Mrs. Porto.
Dear Rachel,
we met under terrible circumstances but I am glad we met. You are an amazing women and I basically think your the tits. I hope our friendship continues to grow :). And that Cambria stops trying to eat Ari's head lol.
sincerely, the other pregosaurous.

Mrs. B-Dub

Day 7. The X factor

ohh I have been slacking, slightly not all my fault we did have a bad storm the internet was out for a while but now I have 7 days to do so I will try to get them done quickly.

Dear your not good enough to name,
You were my first love, which now I know wasn't true but you were the first person I ever said "I love you" to. You taught me a lot like what to NOT fall for. You cheated on me and stole from my family to the tune of ohhh approximately 45 thousand dollars. You broke my heart but in the end I have to say thank you. I do believe our relationship was so terrible so I could become a stronger person, strong enough to be a marine wife :). I really don't wish anything upon you because I really don't care about you at all. welp thats all...
sincerely, the girl that took way to long to realize she deserved so much more.

Mrs. B-Dub

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Day 6. A stranger.

Dear man that pumped my gas at Fred Meyer,
Thank you for your kind words, at the time I was having a terrible day/week/month. My husband was deployed to Afghanistan, I was dealing with being a "single" parent and just hoping I was good enough for her. Mean while people were making my life very difficult and to this day I don't know why they said and did the things they have. Anyway I was only getting gas, I asked you to "fill it with regular, please." and gave you my debit card and my Fred Meyer card. I noticed you had a limp and thought nothing of it, now I wonder if you are a veteran and if I should have thanked you myself but at the time I just had a million things going on in my head. When you were done sliding my cards you walked back over to give them back to me and said "here you go Ma'am, and next time you talk to your husband thank him for me.". I knew you'd seen the sticker I put on the back window with the EGA and the words "my husband defends our freedom" around it and maybe seen the North Carolina plates and put two and two together and assumed my husband was deployed. I immediately started bawling which you probably noticed and said "thank you, I will."
I want you to know even though you made me cry you made me remember why I was doing what I was, why my job is so important. Why I had to put up with all the bull shit and be the strongest person I possibly could. I want to thank you for that, these days its rare for civilians to take three seconds and say "thank you" to service members but it happens and it means the world especially to us as wives.
To know that what our husbands are doing isn't in vain and is appreciated even if only by a few. Its those few that make it worth it.

sincerely, frequent Fred Meyer shopper.

Mrs. B-Dub

Day 5. my dreams.

I missed out on writing for yesterday so today I will have to write two however I have no idea on where to begin on this one so I'm pretty sure I will just be rambling.

I cant really write a letter to me dreams because I don't have a specific dream. I have always loved cooking/baking, how many three year old children do you know that can make pancakes and shaped like cartoon characters??? Yeah this kid did. I have always wanted to go culinary school just to learn anything and everything I possibly could.

When I was twelve I began to have an interest in journalism, so another dream was to someday write an article in a well known magazine. At fifteen I realized an interest in hair and I hope to eventually go to beautician school and become licensed. I plan to start school in a year and at this point plan to major in business with a minor in accounting.

Someday I would like to visit Greece and learn more about mythology. I would like to go to Germany and Ireland to better know my history. I want to retire in Colorado and run a small farm.

I do plan on fulfilling all my dreams being why I don't consider them dreams but goals. Until then I'm doing what ever I can to enjoy each day that is given to me and love my family.

Mrs. B-Dub

Friday, September 24, 2010

Day 4. sibling or closest relative.

Dear Uncle Scott,
You have always been more of a brother to me, and I have always been more of a little sister to you being why you call me sissy. The majority of my childhood you were by far my favorite person, I have always looked up to you both literally and figuratively. You haven't always been there physically but I take comfort in knowing that no matter what you would do anything in your power to help me if need be. I believe when you grow up and learn the true meaning of trust, you realize there will only be a handful of people in your life that you can truly trust. I know that you will never leave my handful. You are an amazing man and you have a beautiful family. I hope someday we end up close to each other and can spend summers wake boarding at your summer house and more winters at Crystal watching me fall down the mountain while I badly attempt snowboarding.
love, Dork
Mrs. B-Dub

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Day3. the parental units.

Dear Mom,
First I want to say thank you, our relationship hasn't always been peachy but I do think we have an amazing relationship that I am more then thankful for! You have taught me so much in life that I hope to teach to Cambria. You are an AMAZING grandma, something I am so grateful for and you know why. Now that I m an adult I find I understand why you did the things you did, why you said the things you said. The lessons, the reasons why you grounded me all make sense now. I never thought you were a bad parent, I might have strongly disliked you a time or two but if you and dad have taught me anything over the years its this, its not important that they always like you however it is important that they respect you. Well I respect you mom possibly more then you know I love you as much as the north bend bridge.
love always, your sunshine.

Dear Dad,
From the moment you started dating my mom there was something different about you to me. You understood that with the women came the child and you made sure when you went somewhere with that women, me, the child came with. Thank you for not acting as if I never existed, thank you for being a man. You are one of the few men that prove DNA does not make a man a father, thank you for that as well. You took on a responsibility that wasn't yours to begin with but you took it on and if I may say so myself you did a damn good job! You helped my mom become a better person and a better parent and because of that I had amazing parents. I do credit a lot of my life to you, I credit a lot of my strengths to you. I love you daddy and no matter what I'll always be your little girl.
love always, Jordy

Mrs. B-Dub

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

day 2. My crush

well if I were to write to my current crush(s) I highly doubt Gerard Butler or John Mayer or any of you are going to care, So instead I will write to my first crush not that anyone will care anyway.
Dear Garrett Caldwell,
Oh kindergarten was so fun, You were so cute blonde hair blue eye (kinda sounds like Ben lol). I had the biggest crush on you if Id known how to write your name back then and had a folder it would've been covered with I ♥ Garrett's. I remember when you gave me a piece of gum I just knew it was meant to be. Until you kissed Holly S. lets just say I was quite angry and that might have had something to do with breaking her wrist later on that day, that and she tried to push me out of line after P.E.
Anyway we became good friends and I'm glad. When I switched schools I was very sad and even more so when we eventually moved cause I could no longer see you at church. I was very happy to see you years later at the county fair and had a great time with you and my brother. I don't think about you that often these days but when I do, I wonder how you are and hope you are living a great life.
Mrs. B-Dub

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Day 1. my best friend.

Well now if the word "friend" isn't a toughy on its own put best in front of it and now I have to dig.

When I think of the person defining my "best friend" I don't think who's my favorite friend but who is really the best and defining the word friend. Now I am not going to put my mom or Ben here even though I would consider them my two bestest friends. Im actually going to put the person who over the years has always been there for me no questions asked. Shes listened to me vent and helped me more then she will ever know.

Dear Jamie,
I remember the first time I walked into your moms then small tanning shop I was 16 and wanted to well, tan. She told me I needed to get my parents signature and wouldn't let me take the card to them to sign since my aunt had driven me, I was so pissed I thought she was so rude.
I told my mom and we went in the next day. Mom and Joann started talking and well our families have been very close ever since. I remember meeting you only a hand full of times before I started babysitting for you. As I got to know you more and more I began to look up to you. You knew you had flaws, even though your probably the only person that can see them well other then Doctor Linda lol. But the way you carry yourself I truly admire it. Your an amazing mother and and amazing wife.
Your amazingly beautiful inside and out, Ive never had more fun with anyone then with you. In the months after I had Cambria and Ben was gone I really don't think I would've made it through with out you. Even though we may not talk every day and we haven't been friends for decades I do consider you to be my "best friend". I feel very lucky to have you and your family in my life, and look forward to the years ahead.

Mrs. B-Dub

30 letters/30 days.

So a friend of mine was told about this and I just had to do when I checked it out!! Everyday for 30 days (lets hope anyway) I will be posing a letter to someone that influenced my life in some way. Each day is already given task and hopefully Cambria allows me to finish it :) I am going to be as honest as I can and hopefully it is as fun and enlightening as I think it will be.

Day 1 - Your Best Friend
Day 2 - Your Crush
Day 3 - Your Parents
Day 4 - Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 - Your Dreams
Day 6 - A Stranger
Day 7 - Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 - Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 - Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 - Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like
Day 11 - A deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 - The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 -Someone you wish you could forgive
Day 14 - Someone you've drifted away from
Day 15 - The person you miss the most
Day 16 - Someone that's not in your state/country
Day 17 - Someone from your childhood
Day 18 - The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 - Someone that pesters your mind - good or bad
Day 20 - The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 - Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 - Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 - The last person you kissed
Day 24 - The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 - The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 - The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 - The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 - Someone that changed your life
Day 29 - The person that you want to tell everything to, but are too afraid to
Day 30 - Your reflection.

Mrs. B-Dub

Monday, September 20, 2010

its okay to take a break.

Oh it has been forever, and sadly I don't have so many exciting tails.
I think I haven't been posting not because I haven't had time but after seeing all these people putting their marital issues all over the internet I just thought that was tacky. But the reality is we all have marital issues, and this is my blog.
if you say you don't then well your lying and probably have more problems then the rest of us.

Ive seen a few people that post there daily life and one day its "OMG hes so amazing he did this and this and yadayada" the next day " well we got into a fight again and I kicked him out again, I just cant believe he did it again ugh I hate him." next day" so today he came home with a red rose and apologized and swore he will never do it again I love him SO much......" that is exactly who I don't want to be.
Thank you mom and dad for teaching me to not be an idiot when it comes to shit bags for men. Also thank you Ben for not being a shit bag.
Anyway while I don't think your every issue needs to be broadcast, I think for anyone to act as if their life is perfect is possibly even more annoying.

I believe we all have struggles, mine lately has been getting back into the "wife" groove.
Since Ben got home I've been so worried to expect to much from him and to keep reminding myself, it took me 7 months to become the parent I am ease him in and he will get it. But the reality is I never got eased into it, no one was there to show me I had to because I was all she had. Ive had a hard time realizing I'm not a single mom and it's okay to ask if he can watch her while I go to the store and get some groceries. More so asking him to do that, is NOT putting to much pressure on him. He is her father, and my husband that's his job when he's not at work.

I had been stressing myself out for so long worrying about over loading him with these duties, that I wasn't letting him do anything. Mean while doing everything by myself and becoming angry about him not doing anything. I felt it was expected of me to have the house cleaned, meals made, laundry done and take care of our daughter 24/7 with no help from him other then financially. I think any women would get very frustrated with that. Well after discussing it the other day he pointed this all out to me, and I kind of felt stupid. I was so angry with him for feeling as if he deserved a break, especially before me. After everything was said and done I was on my was to the commissary to get some groceries by myself for the very first time in way to long. And the next morning we went with he and his friend to the beach while they surfed.
Now only if we could reach an agreement on his video games.

Mrs. B-Dub

Friday, August 20, 2010

Love. Life.

The other day I finally put Cambria's pool up, luckily by the time I was done it wasn't muggy outside any more. The clouds had gone away and the sun was fully shinning, it was actually pretty hot. I think she was pretty stoked to play with her bath toys in an even larger "bath" that she could crawl around in and mommy and daddy where there to play as well.

I was excited to get pictures of her and Ben and that she got to wear her new swim suit. Mostly I was excited to do something as a "family" that didn't require driving or money. Just good clean/free fun. Well I guess I will just post a few pictures since I don't really know what else to write.

Oh and if you look close enough at the left part of her forehead you will see her "battle wounds" the coffee table hasn't won just yet.

they are my world. <3

I told you she's been teething. And this is her new super cute swim suit its Minny mouse. On our way to the beach one day we realized her swim suit was NO WHERE so, we got her a new one. I then remembered I had left a bunch of my beach gear with my friend Jessica and it was probably in with it, and low behold it was. So now she has two super cute swim suits :).

Mrs. B-Dub

Thursday, August 19, 2010


You know what I am sick and tired of? Fakes, but more so I'm tired of people faking religion. I saw a site on face book that seems fitting "going to church does not make you a christian anymore then standing in a garage makes you a car". I personally do not go to church, why? actually I am not really sure why. I notice when my grandma tells me that Ben and I "need to find a good christian church and become closer to the Lord" I find myself making excuses as to why we wont go to church here or at all. I think its mostly because I feel it would be a lie for me to go to church simply because I am not "ready" to follow that path. I feel a relationship with God is no different then a relationship with your spouse. You shouldn't have to force it, it should just be there and flourish on its own. Maybe its just me?
I'm not ready to give up my Marilyn Manson(yes I'm a fan) or my interest in understanding other religions. How ever I do believe God to be the one true God and do accept him as my Lord and Savior. I know that believing and following him is the one and only way into Heaven and I also believe there is only one Heaven. But I also don't think its right to push your religion onto others, If they ask okay cool share away but also if they don't agree okay it happens thus why we have tons of other religions. And I think that's where I differ from a "true" christian.
I guess I'm just over hearing/seeing all these "Christians" who don't live the life. They put on this front and it personally disgusts me. And that's the thing if I were a true 100% christian I wouldn't have this blog complaining of these people I would just pray for them, but in all reality I hope nothing but the worst for these people. In the words of Katy Perry "let me be the first to wish you the worst".
I have a really hard time with grudges I can hold onto those sumbitches for ever, I mean for ever. But at the same time I tend to give people one too many chances to fool me. Most likely why I'm so big on grudges, I can overly relate myself to the quote "fool me once shame on you, but fool me twice shame on me". I guess have a rather large wall and absolutely no intentions of taking it down for a rather large group of people whom I once considered to be like family but they could all get hit by a bus loaded with a thousand pounds of C4 with a high sensitivity trigger that in the case anything came in contact with bus it was all to explode and on top of that be in the middle of a dessert with nothing and no one for 500 miles and I would not spare a thought for them. See I'm good with grudges :).
Okay rant over,

Now onto the happy Cambria decided to start crawling about a month ago lol and of corse immediately after she figured that out she started pulling herself up onto/up to everything. And so begins the "owey" stage shes mastered the art of bruises, but then decided instead of falling head first leaning back and landing on her butt is a lot more fun and less painful. Mommy and Daddy agree with that. Also yesterday she got her first tooth, the teething process is not so fun.

Mrs. B-Dub

Friday, July 30, 2010

If you've never been me, don't judge me.

Motherhood, possibly one of the greatest gifts God allows us as women to bare. A feeling that is impossible to explain and a love that is impossible to fade or understand.
When you become a mother or even pregnant everything changes. For me it opened my eyes not right away but eventually, I made it my own personal quest to become a better person, a better me. We all have our pasts, some worse then others. I know mine is far from perfect I have had my share of "fun" but your past does not have to dictate who you become in your future.
The day I took the three pregnancy tests that all came back positive I freaked, I didn't believe it. I guess you could say I was naive we weren't doing anything at all to stop it but I guess I figured if it were going to happen it would've long before then. Although I did not truly believe I was pregnant I did quit smoking that very day I had one last cigarette to calm me down because I was seriously freaking out and Ben was freaking out far worse then I which didn't make matters any easier. But that was my last cigarette, I did not drink, I did not go horse back riding. I tried to be the best most healthy incubator I could, even though my extreme case of morning sickness did not always allow healthy eating. Anyway I was on a mission to be the best mommy I could be, and still am.
Now on to my title, a not so positive side of becoming a mother, never ending judgment. You will never know a true person until you become pregnant, your friends fade, the advice never ends, but mostly the judgment never ends. Its come to my attention that certain female inspiration(s) in my husbands family feel the need to judge me as a parent. I was very taken back when I discovered this as these judgments were made just months after MY daughter was born, months after MY husband left to go fight a war he very easily could not have come back from. These judgments were made by someone who has yet to even ask how my daughter is for ohh the past 5 months of her life and the part that really gets to me, they were made to my husband while he was gone. For the record NO Ben has never doubted my capabilities as a parent. Now If I had been off drinking and neglecting my daughter and my duty as a parent I would understand someone involved in myself and my daughters life passing judgment however that never happened. When Ben left something changed like a switch in me I could not let our baby girl down, I could not let him down. I had to be an upstanding citizen so to speak I ditched a lot of friends I'd had for years that I felt would only delay my quest. I started hanging out with older women like 20's-30's, mostly mothers that were also married. I started working out daily sometimes twice a day and I did everything in my power to make sure my baby girl always had a smile on her face.
In my own opinion I am a damn good mother and a very good influence on my daughter. If we were all judged for our pasts God would not allow reproduction. I feel that my past has nothing to do with my parenting abilities or how much of a positive influence I am or will be. The way I see it, Ive done things but I am not ashamed, Ive learned from every choice Ive made right or wrong. And because of that I actually feel I will be a better parent, I will be able to talk to my children about what I've done and where it got me, how it affected me, and my future. I can explain to them where I realized the path I was heading in wasn't where I wanted to end up, and why and how I changed to end up where I am today.
I feel I at least can teach my children respect, and that just because you never got drunk in high school doesn't mean your a good kid. And here is my judgment I hope to never be a parent like this person, I am and will strive to continue to be better then this person. I will have enough respect for my children to want them to be happy no matter what. And in the case my child decides to join the military and end up deployed I will NEVER bother them with what ever petty bullshit I decide to pull out of my ass and intentionally start drama in their lives because I am a good person and great mom. I have been fortunate enough to have been raised by a group of amazing people with values that I will also pass onto my children with or without your consent. Another right I have as a parent.

Mrs. B-Dub

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Its finally over.[update]

At approximately 9 am July 13th I got to kiss my husband after 7 extremely long months.
Cambria and I had been waiting since 5:15 am, waiting to see the large group of men march up and play wheres waldo looking for daddy. luckily Ben actually was right in front of us when they stopped so he just had to turn around when they broke formation. It was the definitely the 3rd best day of my entire life. And the kiss was a bazillion times better then I had planned/anticipated. I wasn't able to get pictures due to my arms being full with him and baby as well as all my friends husbands were home that very moment as well so they were equally as busy but I guess that's okay. I didn't cry as much as I thought I would so the lack of mascara was a waste and Ben cried more then I thought he would[shh don't tell him I said that]. It was awesome to finally see him holding our baby though.
I have actually had that paragraph written for a couple weeks just haven't thought much to get back to it I guess. To my defense I have been slightly busy.

So an update life has been great,
I could say it hasn't been what I expected but I also didn't really know what to expect. I did have these worries of "is he still going to love me when he gets back" which I guess is a very normal worry/feeling for my circumstances[new baby and all]. But he does :) so I am worry free. Cambria absolutely loves her daddy slightly funny story about a week ago she started saying "dada" and now wont stop but we soon realized it wasn't Ben she was talking to it was her monkey, a stuffed animal I'd made for her at one of those build a bear places and her favorite toy.

Ben's leave starts tomorrow and we are staying here in good ol' Jvegas and I couldn't be more excited, we both agreed we need time without families bitching about who we are spending more time with or who didn't see Cambria enough. As well as we need time to be with each other and finally be a family. realistically before this deployment we spent less then 3 months physically together after we got married, due to him being in the field and preparing for the deployment and me moving back to Oregon to get my doctors and everything set up to have Cambria cause their original deployment date was canceled and all we were told is "be ready to deploy with 2 days notice" and there was no way in hell I was going to be stuck alone in North Carolina unable to travel due to being too far along or with a BRAND new baby. So the day he left for a month training to Virginia my mom flew out and we drove back to Oregon. Sorry for completely getting off subject, so basically we need to be a married couple and family cause we really haven't been able to.

Today we officially became coffee drinkers lol, lame I know also kind of stupid. Who in there right mind knowingly starts something that is very addicting, well other then drug addicts. I guess we are going the much less harmful and less expensive route. we were texting yesterday morning and realized how exhausted we are pretty much since he's been home, and no its not from lack of sleep ;) the latest I've stayed up is like 11. Cambria has been waking up at 5-5:30 for a bottle cause shes growing but goes right back to sleep after one of us feeds her. she normally goes to bed at 9 and gets up at 7-7:30 but Ben also gets up at 5 to get ready for work so we both wake up then anyway, and I go back to bed after he leaves so its not that big of a deal. I'm not sure if I'm getting to much sleep and that is making me more tired or what but I do not want to get out of bed in the morning and when I do I go directly to the couch and lay down while Cambria plays I even nap with her but I'm still tired and no I'm not pregnant we are being very smart about that and doing what ever we can to keep our two year plan and even if I were he's been home for 16 days..symptoms would be very unlikely[I hope].

So new subject netflix is amazing I am newly addicted to SO many tv shows; dexter, Californication, friday night lights, Ben just got me hooked on heroes, my queue is loaded with amazing cinematic adventures. If only every show/season I wanted to watch were available for instant queue it would be perfect but its just one more thing my lack of patience is having to grow for. I guess I will stop here and clean my house, even though its already clean I'll find something I'm sure. The "nesting" stage never went away after I had Cambria so I'm kind of OCD , I guess its good in case of surprise visits and general health. Hope everyone's July has been good and that August is even better :)

Mrs. B-Dub

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

the final countdown.

Oh how I love growth spurts for nap :), how ever she'll probably wake up any minute now that I'm blogging.
So its here finally here the final countdown has officially begun! I also got to chat with my lovey this morning since the beginning of the deployment when I missed him being on face book three times in two days I changed my settings and updated the mobile settings so I get a text message when he writes me or posts something. Before the only things that would wake me were his ring tone and well Cambria until I turned his phone back on and we were able to text now I wake up all night even though his phone is off again I seem to receive quite a few texts through out the night mostly from my friends back west who seem to forget the time difference and that bed time is typically around 9. But especially last night some of the guys Ben included moved to a different base to wait to come home and so I had been anticipating that text message all day. I woke up atleast 5 different times last night and then finally at 5 am I got the message my heart rate was sky high!
My mom should be leaving tomorrow to start her voyage east bound. Friday there's a sign making get together on base that I'm rather excited for because I tend to lack in the creativity area when it comes to that kind of thing. So I'm hoping some of the ladies will help maybe even Cambria ;) hoping she'll let me use her hands and feetsies cause I know her daddy would LOVE it. I do need to think of some brilliant quotes as well. I just can't believe this deployment is seriously almost over. Our baby girl is almost 7 months old and only seems to make me fall even more in love with her each day. I can't wait to see Ben's expression when he sees her smile, hears her laugh, hears her blow raspberries as it has become her favorite thing as of lately.
I cant wait to have my life back.

Mrs. B-Dub

Monday, June 28, 2010

one more bump in this wonderful thing called life.

Ive become addicted to two television shows recently, the first being Californication and the second being Friday night lights. Considering our truck is still not here netflix and cleaning are my only options. But good news my truck will be here within a week because my mom decided to say 'fuck it' and shes driving. But of corse the truck shipping company called early this morning before I was able to call them and was so excited to let me know they found a driver to get my truck, and I told them "well that would've been great a month ago like when you were suppose to pick it up. But unfortunately I have already found someone else to deliver it and will be paying much less then you are asking and it will be here much faster then you will deliver it so I'm sorry but you need to cancel my order." She was pretty pissed but well Ive been pretty pissed for the past month waiting for my truck and being told two days after it should have already been here that I need to pay more because they under quoted me.
Yeah just one more bump in this wonderful thing called life. I have to say its funny to me how the FRO lets you knows the 'official' arrival times just a few days before they are arriving[not talking about my husband] however I already know the arrival times for my husband and have known for a week and its still weeks away. I know that there are a lot of idiots who dont understand you cant post that stuff everywhere but I just dont see how telling someone a week before arrival is different then 3 weeks? personally it still wont hit me for another week but I have time to prepare and time things out instead of having to cram everything into a week.
okay rant over.

On to other news. My mom will be here in about a week and Im really excited partly to see my mom but mostly to show her around this area, take her on base and to the Atlantic ocean just show her a good time considering the only time shes been farther east then Nevada was last year when she flew to Raleigh to drive back to Oregon with me but we left practically immediately and didn't have enough time or desire to make the 46 hour drive any longer then needed.

Okay new rant what is with all these young naive girls in this rush to be marine wives? I will admit I was that girl two years ago little less naive but still that girl. Thank God we both wised up and actually allowed ourselves time to get to know each other and live together before being complete idiots. I just don't get it "were gonna get married as soon as he gets back and then get a house and then......" news flash 90% NOT happening. most likely he will break up with you within two weeks after he gets back simply because he's changed. You did your job kept him happy for 7+ months with something to look forward to but most likely he's not ready or willing to get married as soon as he gets back and get a house and blah blah blah. I say this not from personal experience as you can read my experience a few blogs ago but of watching this exact situation play out with quite a few different couples and hearing of it with even more.
All I can say to you is SLOW down this is a great life I will not lie but its also not a life I would wish upon anyone. I like being a marine wife but more so I love being MY marines wife. I will not sit here and preach as if I know everything about the marine corps or the military as well I don't and am not sure anyone does but I do know rushing into a marriage is not a wise decision for anyone not matter how "in love" you are.
the end.

Mrs. B-Dub

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

chocolatey death goodness

This weekend was pretty cool, Ben and I's best friend Adam just moved back to NC to attend school after he EAS'd last year and came to visit[meet Cambria]. I haven't seen him in over year and I was 5 months pregnant the last time he saw me so it was a big change. We went to a friends son's second birthday party and the next day we got to go to the beach which was very needed.

As the days go by I find its really starting to sink in, my husband will be home in less then 20 days!!! that's less then 3 weeks, And he is going to crap his pants when he see's Cambria it will be 2 days shy of exactly 7 months since he last saw her. Its been nice though the advanced party already returned to get everything set up back in the states and quite a few of our friends are now home. So my great idea and because I'm craving chocolate was to make them 'death by chocolate' since they all lost so much weight I figured Id help them put it back on lol, nice right? Really they've all helped me quite a bit because our truck is still in Oregon so they've offered and have been driving me around when I need groceries, or to run errands. Even come over just to hang out which has been nice I mean I love my baby girl but being cooped up in a house all day with only a 6 month old and no adult conversation drives a person batty.

So I figured I would share this chocolatey amazing-ness with everyone else but when the pants start getting tighter don't blame me cause I will warn you now its very addicting and you will crave it like nothing before. so for starters here's what you need. Just incase I'll tell you also, 1 large tub of coolwhip, a box of brownies really just your preference I as you see get Betty Crockers hershey's triple chocolate the extra chocolate chunks make it that much better I think. two boxes of jello chocolate mouse, and one bag of heath bar 'bits of brittle toffee'.

I would recommend making the mouse first as it has to set in the fridge for an hour, then bake the brownies just as it says to on the box and let them cool. When the brownies are cooled tear them into 1x1'' chunks or smaller its up to you. Put a layer of the brownie chunks at the bottom of the container, use half the bag of heath bits and sprinkle it on top of the brownies. Use half of the chocolate mouse and spread it evenly over the heath chunks, then do the same with the cool whip and repeat. When you are done it should look something like this. cover and let it sit over night in the fridge and Enjoy!

Mrs. B-Dub

Sunday, June 20, 2010

bored moments.

I was browsing my followers and found this little thingy so I decided to do it too!

Getting to know YOU

The questions..

1. While at the beach, pool, etc..Do you cover up your assets or show them off?
Well I was there today and surprisingly wore a bikini and didn't feel disgusting :)

2. Road trips or Plane trips?
Plane I drove across the country and I'm all road tripped out.

3. I can't stand it when...?
ohhh theres a million things I could put here I wouldn't even know where to begin.

4. Have you ever gone topless at the beach?
I have not. a river on the other hand I have.

5. How many blog carnivals do you do a week?
0.. Im not sure what that is.

6. My favorite thing about the weekend is...?
well it will be spending time with my husband/family when he gets home soon.

7. Pancakes or waffles?
waffles alll the way.

8. Water Park or Amusement Park?

Mrs. B-Dub

Saturday, June 19, 2010

finally a place to call Home.

Well we are finally in our house and settled! Just got internet turned on today and then after calling time warner and 15 minutes/1 beer and shutting the laptop down twice we finally figured it out. I guess I shouldn't say we are completely settled the truck is STILL in Oregon waiting to be picked up and shipped here and ALL of Ben's gear is still in Cambria's room waiting for me to sort through it and re-pack it in the storage shed out back. But for the most part its definitely 'home'. Some more good news was notified the other day the for sure date my lovey will be home and GAWD does that feel good to have a date and know in less then a month everything will be okay.

Ive realized lately that I have missed my old friend coors light but also when I do drink I REALLY want a marlboro menthol like bad but at the same time I dont want to smoke I dont my child exposed to that anymore then she already will be just by going outside, even though I would never smoke around her but still. Today we are going to the beach with a friend Jessica and Ben and I's like best friend Adam. Im excited to get my tan on because its not being as resilient[inside joke to a few friends who read, I know it makes absolutely NO sense] as Id hoped. And this momma is going to wearing a bikini, Yes I may not have a washboard abdomen but compared to a lot of the people you will see at the beaches here I may as well be auditioning for victoria's secret. And I really don't care I guess you get to that point soon after you become a mom, I have a husband and he's not here so Im not trying to impress anyone, just want a tan and I prefer my midsection to not be ghostly.

New thought Ive almost decided Im going brunette! Im tired of having to get my hair done every four weeks because it grows so fast, as well as Sarah[friend and stylist] isn't here to do it. So I kind of want something different but also closer to my natural color because bleach blonde isn't it lol However I do like these colors on me I think Im going to stick with the reds but just change the blonde to brown. Now I just have to hope it turns out good, I am getting bored with blonde though it is fun but its been fun for 21 years and I think its time for a change. So pictures to follow soon-ish lol.

Mrs. B-Dub

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

say what?

I have a question, opinions are welcome but only as long as they aren't rude.

At what point would you consider yourself a marine/soldier/sailor/ I don't know what everyone else calls themselves but them too? I'm asking because I know a person(female) that enlisted in the Marine corps a few years ago. They messed up their leg in high school never let it heal properly there for, only a couple weeks into boot camp their leg re broke and was even more messed up then before. So this person is a "medically retired marine" and gets paid from the corps for the rest of their life. I'm saying this because I just saw something where they were complaining about people not appreciating the military and all that they do, and then there sister in law thanked them for being a marine and all that they do. I feel very confused on how or why they would even consider them selves a marine. I guess I should add early last year they received a letter from the corps stating that they were to be checked out and possibly returned to active duty, they explained to me and another person how pissed they were that they might have to become active duty and finish boot camp and basically finish and do what they signed up for. So in my opinion for THAT person to consider themselves anything but a complete fucktard is ridiculous. You are not a marine, you tried kudos I give you that but you failed and not only that when they wanted to give you another chance you get pissed??? the last part was what upset me the most. Well that's my rant for the day.

Mrs. B-Dub

Saturday, June 5, 2010

pay it forward

I find myself stopping to take a breath quite frequently lately. Taking time to stop and smell the flowers you might say, although there aren't many flowers here just bath and body works. Every morning I feel even more blessed to wake up to the cutest little smile in the world, sometimes even a growl. With a little more then a month until my husband will be returning I cant help but feel overly excited but I also feel sad knowing of those that wont be returning with him.

I feel the last year has been my "growing year" I come to many realizations and have been making small, medium, and large changes in my life. I realized you will never know how judgmental people are or who your true friends are until you have a child. The "girls" in high school will never grow up, they will forever continue talking badly about everyone but themselves, they may do something with there lives but there personal growth will always stay at a low. The ones you surround yourself with will define you so choose to surround yourself with positive people that inspire you. And your life will only be as positive as you allow it to be, so stop blaming everyone else for your shitty attitude and realize there's no need to be negative all the time.

Those as well as a few more are things I'm trying to live my life by. Although I have great inspiration to become a more positive and better person I know this kind of change doesn't happen over night. I feel Ive always been a pretty negative person and I wouldn't say drama queen but I would often look for drama as entertainment I guess. But over the past year I feel I have very little to be negative about, Yes my body may not have taken to pregnancy as well as I had hoped but the majority of women could and would say the same thing.

I'm trying more and more to not let others opinions about me affect my day. But I am only human and I don't care who you are or how much you say you don't care what others think, words will still hurt you. Every female has there own insecurities majority don't think they are pretty or skinny enough. I feel for another female to put you down with such an insult is very wrong. I wont sit here and claim I don't or haven't done such a thing, I'm not perfect in fact I'm FAR from it. Ive always had a weight issue, Ive really never felt attractive causing me to have a history of depression. Maybe two stupid reasons but for some those two reasons control there lives.

I imagine some will read this and then continue to joke about my past and how pathetic I am. All I can say is think, think back to your past and that one moment where you didn't want to go to school that day, maybe didn't even want to wake up. These aren't joking matters or reasons to tease someone. You don't know what goes on in that persons life and you really never know that one insult could drive someone to take there own life, again NOT a joking matter. Since the recent news of those teenagers who took there own lives due to bullying I guess Ive really been affected. I never had "buck teeth" I was never obese I didn't grow up in a trailer park but my life wasn't easy by any means. Kids these days are cruel, they use anything to put others down. But along with that YOU are often your own worst enemy.

Ive made a point to smile more often, maybe even greet people I encounter, hoping maybe a simple smile from a complete stranger may brighten there day. Possibly putting a smile on there face and a greeting to another, basically the whole "pay it forward" concept. I know I have had my day turn around just by having a gas station attendant asking me to thank my husband for him. Simple gesture but it brought a smile to my face and tears to my eyes actually a lot of tears as I was having a very post pregnancy hormonal day. Just an example but I truly feel the tiniest of gestures can and will make the largest of differences all for the positive. I guess I will stop here I hope I inspire someone as well as others have inspired me to be more positive, maybe even eventually putting a stop to bullying.

Mrs. B-Dub

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Honey I'm home.

Whoa its been awhile sense Ive been on here. Well since my last post things have been pretty good actually. Ben re-enlisted, We got a house, trucks being shipped, Oh and Cambria and myself made it to NC Yesterday morning. I was amazed how well she did being 5 months old and flying, she did amazingly well! Slept the entire time, me however well I'm one of those people who can't sleep sitting up so I got maybe 3 hours of sleep all Sunday night.

Ive been slowing down a lot lately to appreciate things, instead of constantly going. While doing this Ive become even more amazed at how big and smart my baby girl is getting. It's crazy to me that I grew her in my belly. Our little alien baby turned into a beautiful baby girl. She's become very independent[for a baby] and playful. I'm proud that I didn't smother my child causing them to be completely dependent on me, nor have I neglected her in ANY way. She can play with her toys all by herself, she loves riding in the car and shes really just an amazing little girl. Ive also realized you will never realize how judgmental others are as well as who your true friends are until you have a child.

I often "blog" in my head its slightly ridiculous actually because it happens so often.
I get frustrated/annoyed very easily something I'm trying to work on. My most recent annoyance are people who frequently put there sorrows out there hoping to get attention for them. We all have had "shitty" lives shit happens its life but I feel somethings shouldn't be discussed on sites such as face book..well not so much they shouldn't be discussed but more that they shouldn't constantly be brought up as a "poor me". When I see these things I personally don't think 'Oh how sad' but more 'seriously? this is getting more annoying then sad'. I kind of feel bad for thinking that but you can't control your thoughts, just your mouth/fingers.

I was thinking today after reading something that influenced this rant. something negative will only effect you for as long you let it. the "grieving" process I put quotes because I'm referring to the stages in which you grieve not really referring to a death. Anyway the process will take a while depending on your situation/personal strength, but also the length of time you allow it to effect you. I think of when my grandpa passed away, My biggest issue with his death is I never got to say good bye. Its been two years June 2nd and I still have yet to accept that he's not here. I know he isn't here but I can't accept that he's dead. I rarely speak of his death without starting to cry, but I don't obsess with it. I guess I just don't understand why people use negative things in there lives for attention. Typically things such as finances, relationship issues, a miscarriage, self conscious feelings, sex,etc ...are kept private and not discussed openly unless with your closest friends. I guess I will never understand.
Mrs. B-Dub

Monday, May 17, 2010

super women dNa

The other day I woke up to the best voice in the world, my husbands. He lost service quite a few times but we got to talk for a while and it was really nice. The best part Cambria had woken up and after staring at the phone while Ben talked to her she started "talking" back. I think he might of started crying I know I almost did. It was so awesome though Ive recorded her sounds like a mad women so he would be able to hear them when he gets back and for fathers day I even sent him one of those hallmark cards that you can record your own message. Well I used the video I have of Cambria growling lol it didn't sound so great but I know he'll love it.

I had to babysit for my friend[where I don't have cell service] that day, after I spoke to Ben and I was so on cloud 9 all day nothing could bring me down. I decided to go into town and get Ben the few items he asked for[socks,razor..etc] so when I got back like within 5 minutes the house phone rang. Wyatt[6 year old] answered with hello?, then uhm yeah who's this?[in a protective 6 year old boy voice lol] then he starts walking to me and says its Ben?. I instantly got butterflies but was so confused cause I did not expect to hear from him until he was state side.

So it was Ben AGAIN. we got to talk for nearly an hour it was awesome. We pretty got our future pretty well planned out. Decided we will talk about another baby in about 2 years, but wont try until he picks up the next rank maybe our first smart decision lol. Were going to switch to air traffic controller and then maybe in four years go back[SF was his very first duty station] to security forces if he wants to stay in, if not air traffic controllers make a pretty descent income so we also have something to fall back on. It was so nice just to be able to talk to him though. I love that we are the bestest of friends and flick each other shit about anything makes our conversations fun.

I also received 4 letters from him that day as well and they made me realize how lucky I am. He knows I've been stressing about my body after having Cambria and he wrote me a whole letter just reminding me it took 10 months for me to get it on its going to take me longer then 7 months to get it off and not to be so hard on myself cause I'm doing an amazing job. But also that he loves me no matter what and loves every part of me no matter what. He told me how proud of me he was for taking care of him and our baby as well as our bills and moving. He just went on to say how thankful he is for me and how much he loves me, it really felt so good to read everything.

I think we as wives especially military wives need to remember how hard our job is even if it doesnt require a W-2 form. I'm sure that I am not the only one that often feels I dont do enough especially compared to all that Ben does. But in realty I do, otherwise I KNOW Ben would tell me to get off my ass and do something. Being a house wife is not easy and on top of it we never know what time diner should be done. I remember one morning I decided to go crazy and clean the entire house walls everything and about 30 minutes in all of a sudden Ben was home/off work and had things WE needed to do, not such a big deal but in the civilian world that doesn't happen often. Our men's schedules are never concrete not even close which makes our schedules ridiculous. But we do it some how, I believe God really did make us all soul mates and the spouses of a military member have a little super women in them other wise there is no way to explain it.

Mrs. B-Dub

Thursday, May 13, 2010

1 year down a lifetime to go.

Today being Ben and I's one year wedding anniversary I thought I would just tell "our story". So here I go...

It all started February 28th 2008, the day we met. I lived with an ex friend and had gotten off of work early so I gave her a call and she told me to come by her husbands cousins house because they were having a party. So I did, as I pulled into the driveway there was this guy holding my friends 3 year old and all I could think was who's this guy? A few seconds later I was introduced to the man that would later become my husband and my first words to him other then "hi" LOL "you know your just a bullet catcher right?" My uncle was a ranger and well you can only imagine what I grew up hearing about marines, he was cool about it though just laughed and said yeah. I still remember what he was wearing lol a black shirt with a "devil dog" on the back which is odd because the only time he wears anything military is when he's at work, blue AE jeans, and black adidas tennishoes.
We pretty much just kept staring at each other the first half of the night, I thought he was SOOO hot. And he had these blue eyes I couldn't not be mesmerized by. At the time I still smoked so I told my friend to go out side with me so I could smoke because I didn't want him to know. About 2 minutes outside out came Ben, and to my surprise he asked what kind of cigarette I was smoking I told him Marlboro menthol smooth. His reply" oh camel frosts are better, but can I have some.". I remember thinking OMG he's amazing. For some reason we started talking about car's and ended up standing outside just talking to each other for hours.
The next day he friend requested me on myspace, and after emailling we decided we should go out on a date. We went to the family fun center more for my friends three year old then us but I also thought if he cant have fun there, we totally can not be friends. Again to much of my surprise it was a blast!! after wards he came back to our house where we continued to hang out and then he had to leave. He was actually on pre-deployment leave which I didn't know, I walked him out to his car and we hugged.. that was it. As soon as he left we started texting and at 1:53 am March 1st 2008 he asked me to be his girlfriend in a total 1st grade way lol theres more to that story but it would make this book a novel.
So he left but called at each airport and then when he landed in Raleigh NC he called and mentioned how his passenger seat was empty and that was so not cool. We continued talking literally 24/7 probably slept two hours a night that whole week. The next week he told me to check my email when I got home and when I did, there was my flight itinerary. We had been talking about how awesome it would be if I came there to send him off and be able to spend more time together and there it was, it was going to happen. I arrived in Raleigh NC airport March 6th, I was scared shitless I just left Oregon with out telling anyone. Just left on a complete whim and a very strong urge to be with this man I had known for barely 8 days. I was 19 years old and 4000 miles away from anything I knew.
When he got to the airport to pick me up my heart was beating so fast and I had no idea what to do. Do I hug him, do I kiss him, what if he wants to kiss and I go in for a hug or I go in for a kiss and he hugs and then he'll think Im a freak. Luckily we both went in for a kiss and it was totally like the kisses you see in movies where the guy lifts the girl up and swings her around. And that was the beginning of my forever. Every night we stayed up just talking about everything, life, experiences, relationships, everything we both put it ALL out there. It was amazing how much we had in common, it was amazing how amazingly we just clicked together.
Then came the day, he had to leave March 17th, we stayed up the night before watching Dane Cook a vicious circle[forever our movie]. At 6:05 am that morning I said I love you and see you later to the man I had completely fallen in love with in only 19 days of knowing him. I thought I was crazy, making the decision to stay with this man during a 7-9 month deployment. I had no idea what to expect I know I was often worried of his safety during our first deployment but it was very surreal to me.
I wont lie our first deployment was TERRIBLE started off great then about a quarter in the person who introduced us, the person I thought was my best friend took it upon herself as a life goal to break us up. She told his whole family ridiculous lies about me, told me he had been calling and writing her about how disgusted he was with me and didn't want to be with me. Which turned into a ridiculous amount of drama as anything always does with her but that's a different story. On July 2nd my grandpa passed away from cancer. The doctor had given him 2 weeks and I immediately got on the first plane to Oregon, But he passed away the night before I arrived. I took it VERY hard as I lived with my grandparents most of my life and he was the person I was closest to. And that was when shit hit the fan. To make a longer story shorter his little sister told me that it had been almost a month and I should be over my grandpas death by now.
A lot more drama ended up happening and we ended up breaking up 2 months before he got home. We had both gotten tired of hearing that neither of us wanted to be with the other any longer. Funny thing neither of us ever said anything like that which we found out later. We still spoke though, I still wrote but I eventually got a "friend/short fling" which was my right to do as a single 19 year old female. Ben returned from Afghanistan late October 20th 2008. I was at the homecoming unsure of what to expect I had my buddy come with me so he could check out marines[he's bi] and be my rock just in case. Seeing Ben walk towards me after 8 months of separation made me even more scared because of all I didn't know of what to expect, the feelings that instantly rushed back was the last thing I expected to happen. As he drove me back to my house in Virgina Beach I cried the entire 4 hours, I bawled. I knew I'd fucked up, I knew he hated me, and was only driving me back out of the kindness of his heart but really would rather kick me out and make me walk.
At some point during the drive I mustered up the courage to ask him one question Id been dreading for a few months. I had to know if it was real, if what we had was real or if it was just a game. He reassured me that yes, it was very real which made me cry even harder. When we arrived at my apartment we ended up standing/sitting in the parking lot for nearly 6 hours. We laughed, we cried, we yelled, and after literally discussing everything that had happened we came to the realization that neither of us ever wanted to break up. We then decided to drive back to Jacksonville another 4 hours, a lot more conversation and the closer we got.
We decided to get back together that day, I went back to Virginia beach to work we originally planned for me to stay there until January and we'd both save money and grow as a couple visiting when ever we could. Well that lasted a week, he came and got me we went back to Oregon to see family and have just fallen even more in love everyday since.

He officially asked me to marry him in January something we had been discussing during the whole deployment even planned on getting married march 1st 2009. So we discussed it again but decided we wanted to take our time and plan our wedding for a couple years later. Then April 22nd we found out we were pregnant big shocker to the both of us. Ben was originally suppose to deploy august 2009 so after talking about it and realizing the only way he could be there for any part of the pregnancy with out having to pay every bill, was if we got married. I'm half Indian[native american] and my tribe for some reason will only cover you medically, in Oregon more specifically Coos county. So we got hitched! May 13th at 11:14 at night we went to the court house with our closest friends and said our 'I do's'. We still plan to have our "wedding" in a couple years but now that we have Cambria we aren't in any hurry.
So there it is my own little fucked up fairytale.

Mrs. B-Dub

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

someday when all your bridges have been burned, then who will you turn to?

I recently like 10 minutes ago came across a blog of someone I know of but not personally. This person was "friends" with the same person I thought/claimed to also be my "best friend" for 5 years. Last year I finally got tired of all her drama and lies I decided after much push from my husband lol to completely delete her out of my life, I had already quit talking to her and decided facebook and myspace were our only ties and they must be cut but much to my surprise when I logged on to both she had already deleted me. That was a year ago, and sense my life has had A LOT less drama well besides her telling his family and anyone else that will listen that Ive cheated and am cheating on my husband. And really her list goes on but sense I just feel better no longer associating myself with such filth I mean this person moved to my town sophomore year 15 weeks pregnant and told everyone she had been raped and decided to keep the baby [later found out TOTAL lie] she claimed to be an amazing cheerleader[even cheered with the Dallas cowboys cheerleaders] an amazing dancer performed in many "bowls".

It took me about a year to realize there was absolutely NOTHING of these accomplishments as well as none of her family ever discussed any of it. I though it to be odd considering my parents would never shut up about my tiny track accomplishment from back in 6th grade. Any way, the part that really affected me, my grandpa passed away suddenly from stage 4 cancer July 2nd 2008 not even a year after this girl told me she had cervical cancer and it was serious. She also claimed she was going to become a officer in the airforce, funny thing 1st off you can not enlist at all in any military branch with more then 2 children[she has 3], you can not enlist in any military branch with a serious past illness[such as cancer which she claimed to be treated at the naval hospital for], and her third strike, to become an officer of any military branch you must first graduate from an ACCREDITED UNIVERSITY [phoenix online does NOT qualify]. So it became VERY obvious to me that she had 1. either lied about ever having cancer or 2. was/is a complete fucktard that has no idea what shes talking about. I believe both are true.

So back to my point this persons blog I came across apparently recently realized how much of a liar and fake our "mutual friend" is. And I'm actually glad for her one of the main reasons I decided to be done with that person was realizing how badly she talked about her friend but then seeing them talk on myspace as if they were the bestest of friends. I thought wow if she talks about her like this to mev I wonder what she says to her about me? And I just dont think anyone deserves the way our "mutual friend" treats people.

and now to YOU:
I will not be a fake christian and claim to pray for you I think you "pray" enough for all of us lol, I will not down grade you so as to call you a "poor excuse for a mother and wife". I know you are F*CKING PHSYCO and refuse to have anything to do with you, as I'm sure your STILL stalking me over a year later. I do thank you however for introducing Ben and I, you can be upset knowing we are doing great we have a beautiful baby girl and are more then happy to NOT have you in our lives. Im pretty confused as to why you would friend request my husband especially considering he out of everyone in this world HATES you more then words could explain. Im sure you'll claim that he's calling/writing you this deployment too though lol and he doesn't want to be with me and BLAH BLAH BLAH. your pathetic you need to grow up and stop worrying about other peoples lifes/marriages and maybe yours wouldn't suck so bad.

the end.
Mrs. B-Dub

Friday, May 7, 2010

Fuck it.

So I made my blog private yesterday after realizing there are truly pathetic people out there that have nothing better to do then stalk your life lol. A friend showed me that I was accused in an open forum of which I wasn't even involved for cheating on my husband with 6 guys lol. And the funniest part the person who said it has yet to be faithful to a single boyfriend, she even had an affair with a man over twice her age when we were juniors in highschool breaking up his marriage. So anyway I was a little pissed cause it never happened and well 6 guys is A LOT like almost my whole list and I for sure was not a virgin when Ben and I got together. Anyway I decided today that if those pathetic wastes of flesh want to stalk my life and be complete fucktards they can have fun. Aparently I'm that important that they can't handle me kicking them out of my life cause I perfer not to be associated with trash. The end you will no longer waste any more time in my life.

So I'm in Sacramento pretty fun, lots of asians!!!! I saw a street called "manlove" and for the first time saw a group of mexicans huddled outside of a home depot LMAO! I've enjoyed cheesecake from the cheescake factory for the first time but I think mines better, still it was num. Tomorrow will be my first visit to San fransisco, going to the stickin rose andlovin me some garlic! And Sunday it's back to home. I like the vacation and spending time with Jamie and Velma but I think this city is way to much for me.

Ohh Ben called last Monday!! :) I love him and feel so blessed that we have such an amazing relationship. then I got two letters from him Tuesday in one was his most likely return date and a 5 year plan.. Aparently I'm having another baby lol. So basically Im working my ass off to get skinny hot to get all big again but I think in a couple years we will be ready for another one. However for now little miss Cambria has EVERYONE wrapped around her little fingers so tight another baby isn't even a thought.

So for now I'm just livin life and loving it! Hoping to sign up for the run for warriors marathon with my fellow wives! And still looking for a house but I have a fall back so it's no biggy can't wait to see my ladies in nc though and meet all the new babies.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Is bad really better then nothing at all?

Today has been good and bad. For some reason Cambria kept waking up last night as well as I did nothing but toss and turn all night. I did get my hair done by my friend Sarah today it was nice to see her. I love her so much and even better Jason came home from Iraq yesterday so she was really happy, which was also nice to see.
Seeing them together although nice to see that happiness still exists made me miss Ben that much more. I miss playing vegas2 until 3 am and kicking everyone's ass because we are such a good team. I miss his gross morning breath and the kisses he'd force on me even when he'd put his mouth over my nose and blow. I miss tickle fights and massages.
I cant help but feel he will choose his mom/sister over me and I know its making this time 70x worse. I need to hear him say "I love you", I need to hear him period. I'm tired of randomly breaking down in tears for no apparent reason. I dont want to be depressed anymore I dont want to be lonely anymore.
As excited as I am to go back to North Carolina and sleep in our bed again it will be weird to be in OUR bed but only me. Its not like that's never happened before but it will just be weird this time. I wish I had something that smelt of him but everything has been in storage since last September so I highly doubt anything will smell pleasant. I just pray I hear from him soon so I can remember what a glimpse of happiness feels like. until then

Mrs. B-Dub