Friday, April 16, 2010

Is bad really better then nothing at all?

Today has been good and bad. For some reason Cambria kept waking up last night as well as I did nothing but toss and turn all night. I did get my hair done by my friend Sarah today it was nice to see her. I love her so much and even better Jason came home from Iraq yesterday so she was really happy, which was also nice to see.
Seeing them together although nice to see that happiness still exists made me miss Ben that much more. I miss playing vegas2 until 3 am and kicking everyone's ass because we are such a good team. I miss his gross morning breath and the kisses he'd force on me even when he'd put his mouth over my nose and blow. I miss tickle fights and massages.
I cant help but feel he will choose his mom/sister over me and I know its making this time 70x worse. I need to hear him say "I love you", I need to hear him period. I'm tired of randomly breaking down in tears for no apparent reason. I dont want to be depressed anymore I dont want to be lonely anymore.
As excited as I am to go back to North Carolina and sleep in our bed again it will be weird to be in OUR bed but only me. Its not like that's never happened before but it will just be weird this time. I wish I had something that smelt of him but everything has been in storage since last September so I highly doubt anything will smell pleasant. I just pray I hear from him soon so I can remember what a glimpse of happiness feels like. until then

Mrs. B-Dub

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