Tuesday, April 13, 2010

such a negative nancy.

Closing in on a month since I spoke to Ben and I find myself not so much worried of his safety, but of our relationship. I seem to get this way after a week of no word, I start to think not that he isn't okay but that he doesn't love me anymore. Especially with his family and all there bullshit its even worse right now.
I find myself thinking more and more what I would do if he did leave me over his mom/sister. Part of me would want to say FUCK YOU and don't plan on seeing or hearing from me or our daughter EVER again, because I couldn't even imagine how badly I would be hurting. But the other part would want to just let him know I truly love him and hope the best for him, either way it's going to take a A LOT from both of those women to see myself or my daughter ever again.
I know I cant think like this though its simply not healthy. I guess I could be labeled as one of those women with "daddy issues" there fore Im never truly secure in a relationship not on my part at least, I feel I never know if they truly love or not. I like to act like I have a great life and I'm so positive, cause really who likes a downer? but inside I'm crying all of the time I feel the only things positive in my life are my husband and daughter.
I almost feel worthless I guess these are slightly normal feelings considering my situation. I don't feel suicidal I just feel "not good enough". That at any moment Ben could go out and find someone much hotter and better for himself. I know how much I love him and how much he means to me but I hate that you really never know someone else true feelings.
I guess this all came from a site the other day. I was at the bar having a girls night this past weekend and there were a group of older couples there. The dj started playing old waltz music and they all got up and started dancing and I just watched. You could just see the love in their eyes, and it almost made me cry. These people had most likely been married for 50+ years and still looked at each other as if it were there wedding day. When it comes down to it THAT is what I want most in life. Not money or fame, but love, one of a kind ever lasting love I want to wake up every morning and smile because the person I spent the last 5 decades of my life with still gives me butterflies as if it were our first kiss. I guess I can only wait and pray that, that person is still Ben.

Mrs. B-Dub

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