Friday, July 30, 2010

If you've never been me, don't judge me.

Motherhood, possibly one of the greatest gifts God allows us as women to bare. A feeling that is impossible to explain and a love that is impossible to fade or understand.
When you become a mother or even pregnant everything changes. For me it opened my eyes not right away but eventually, I made it my own personal quest to become a better person, a better me. We all have our pasts, some worse then others. I know mine is far from perfect I have had my share of "fun" but your past does not have to dictate who you become in your future.
The day I took the three pregnancy tests that all came back positive I freaked, I didn't believe it. I guess you could say I was naive we weren't doing anything at all to stop it but I guess I figured if it were going to happen it would've long before then. Although I did not truly believe I was pregnant I did quit smoking that very day I had one last cigarette to calm me down because I was seriously freaking out and Ben was freaking out far worse then I which didn't make matters any easier. But that was my last cigarette, I did not drink, I did not go horse back riding. I tried to be the best most healthy incubator I could, even though my extreme case of morning sickness did not always allow healthy eating. Anyway I was on a mission to be the best mommy I could be, and still am.
Now on to my title, a not so positive side of becoming a mother, never ending judgment. You will never know a true person until you become pregnant, your friends fade, the advice never ends, but mostly the judgment never ends. Its come to my attention that certain female inspiration(s) in my husbands family feel the need to judge me as a parent. I was very taken back when I discovered this as these judgments were made just months after MY daughter was born, months after MY husband left to go fight a war he very easily could not have come back from. These judgments were made by someone who has yet to even ask how my daughter is for ohh the past 5 months of her life and the part that really gets to me, they were made to my husband while he was gone. For the record NO Ben has never doubted my capabilities as a parent. Now If I had been off drinking and neglecting my daughter and my duty as a parent I would understand someone involved in myself and my daughters life passing judgment however that never happened. When Ben left something changed like a switch in me I could not let our baby girl down, I could not let him down. I had to be an upstanding citizen so to speak I ditched a lot of friends I'd had for years that I felt would only delay my quest. I started hanging out with older women like 20's-30's, mostly mothers that were also married. I started working out daily sometimes twice a day and I did everything in my power to make sure my baby girl always had a smile on her face.
In my own opinion I am a damn good mother and a very good influence on my daughter. If we were all judged for our pasts God would not allow reproduction. I feel that my past has nothing to do with my parenting abilities or how much of a positive influence I am or will be. The way I see it, Ive done things but I am not ashamed, Ive learned from every choice Ive made right or wrong. And because of that I actually feel I will be a better parent, I will be able to talk to my children about what I've done and where it got me, how it affected me, and my future. I can explain to them where I realized the path I was heading in wasn't where I wanted to end up, and why and how I changed to end up where I am today.
I feel I at least can teach my children respect, and that just because you never got drunk in high school doesn't mean your a good kid. And here is my judgment I hope to never be a parent like this person, I am and will strive to continue to be better then this person. I will have enough respect for my children to want them to be happy no matter what. And in the case my child decides to join the military and end up deployed I will NEVER bother them with what ever petty bullshit I decide to pull out of my ass and intentionally start drama in their lives because I am a good person and great mom. I have been fortunate enough to have been raised by a group of amazing people with values that I will also pass onto my children with or without your consent. Another right I have as a parent.

Mrs. B-Dub


  1. That is why you are a great mommy! You let pregnancy change you, as it should. The people that don't let it change them end up being the ones who do ditch their kids to go party. You are a wonderful mother i haven't seen you physically with Cambria but i know that you are great with her bc of how proud you are of her & how much you talk about her & spoiled she is =) Don't worry bout no ones judgment on you!!

  2. You really see who is on your side when something big happens, especially a tragedy. I've lost so many friends and dealt with so much bullshit since Jonny died it's unimaginable, so I can certainly relate. So many people want to tell me how to live or what I should be doing or how I need to grieve and the best part is the ones who want to talk are the ones who, not only are they not ME, they have never even tried on these awful shoes, if ya know what I mean. Since we are both moms I feel like I could make a suggestion to you or another mom (hey, why don't you try...) but to place judgment is far beyond my reach as I am not perfect or close to it, and that's how ALL humans are. It really ticks my nerves when someone wants to place any kind of judgment. Ok, sorry for the slight rant, my point in all this is fuck what people say (I know I can use that word cuz it's in your title - ha!) Fuck em, that's where I'm at in my life now. You wanna say something without ever having been in my shoes? Ok, you're an idiot. You have no idea what you would do! Ya know??

    Anyway, keep remembering you're a good mom and Ben thinks so too, obviously, and you and Ben and Cambria are the only ones who matter. Just in my life me and Ariana and Jonny's memory are the only things that matter.

    Big hearts and hugs and I better see your ass when I get back!

  3. Hi! I found you from the Lovely BLoggers group on Facebook.

    You're one knows what it's like to be a mom until they have done it, and even if they are a mother too, no one knows what it's like to be a mother to YOUR child. Unfortunately, being judged comes with the territory, both of being a mother and living on a military base. (It's like high school! I thought I had escaped!)

    What always gets me is the people who are doing the judging are USUALLY the people with the most messed up life situations. I always want to say "Really? YOU are going to tell me how to raise my child when yours just got kicked out of KINDERGARTEN?" "Really? YOU want to tell me how to manage my marriage when you were sleeping with your neighbor while your man was deployed?"

    Just brush your shoulder off and remember that if your hubby thinks your a good Mommy and your DAUGHTER thinks your a good Mommy, all the other drama just doesn't matter. :0)

  4. This is so true. I felt like I was under a microscope after my first child. It felt like everyone was watching me; judging me. I doubted myself, as a mother, so intensely I didn't believe I was a "good" mother until a pediatrician told me I was.

    It took me a long time to realize I am a good mother to my children because they know I love them with every fiber of my being. Now, I could care less what other people think of my parenting skills. If they can't be supportive, they do not deserve to be in my life.