Friday, April 16, 2010

Is bad really better then nothing at all?

Today has been good and bad. For some reason Cambria kept waking up last night as well as I did nothing but toss and turn all night. I did get my hair done by my friend Sarah today it was nice to see her. I love her so much and even better Jason came home from Iraq yesterday so she was really happy, which was also nice to see.
Seeing them together although nice to see that happiness still exists made me miss Ben that much more. I miss playing vegas2 until 3 am and kicking everyone's ass because we are such a good team. I miss his gross morning breath and the kisses he'd force on me even when he'd put his mouth over my nose and blow. I miss tickle fights and massages.
I cant help but feel he will choose his mom/sister over me and I know its making this time 70x worse. I need to hear him say "I love you", I need to hear him period. I'm tired of randomly breaking down in tears for no apparent reason. I dont want to be depressed anymore I dont want to be lonely anymore.
As excited as I am to go back to North Carolina and sleep in our bed again it will be weird to be in OUR bed but only me. Its not like that's never happened before but it will just be weird this time. I wish I had something that smelt of him but everything has been in storage since last September so I highly doubt anything will smell pleasant. I just pray I hear from him soon so I can remember what a glimpse of happiness feels like. until then

Mrs. B-Dub

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Shes a big girl now!

Today we had our first spoon feeding! It was a MESS lol but fun, right towards the end she finally started really eating instead of just getting mad at me and spitting everywhere. I think I'm going to start trying it every other feeding, cause her doctor said to start out slow and by 6 months she should be almost completely on baby food not formula. I just cant believe we are already to this stage, shes growing up to quickly.
I just love being a mommy so much. Shes my best friend and just so much fun I cant wait until the toddler years! Today has just been a lounge day just me and baby girl its been nice! Found out daddy might be home sooner then expected :) still waiting on a phone call though[story of my life]. So house searching it is, praying I find something soon. I really cant wait to go back to NC I will miss my few friends here and my mom but I need to leave.

Mrs. B-Dub

such a negative nancy.

Closing in on a month since I spoke to Ben and I find myself not so much worried of his safety, but of our relationship. I seem to get this way after a week of no word, I start to think not that he isn't okay but that he doesn't love me anymore. Especially with his family and all there bullshit its even worse right now.
I find myself thinking more and more what I would do if he did leave me over his mom/sister. Part of me would want to say FUCK YOU and don't plan on seeing or hearing from me or our daughter EVER again, because I couldn't even imagine how badly I would be hurting. But the other part would want to just let him know I truly love him and hope the best for him, either way it's going to take a A LOT from both of those women to see myself or my daughter ever again.
I know I cant think like this though its simply not healthy. I guess I could be labeled as one of those women with "daddy issues" there fore Im never truly secure in a relationship not on my part at least, I feel I never know if they truly love or not. I like to act like I have a great life and I'm so positive, cause really who likes a downer? but inside I'm crying all of the time I feel the only things positive in my life are my husband and daughter.
I almost feel worthless I guess these are slightly normal feelings considering my situation. I don't feel suicidal I just feel "not good enough". That at any moment Ben could go out and find someone much hotter and better for himself. I know how much I love him and how much he means to me but I hate that you really never know someone else true feelings.
I guess this all came from a site the other day. I was at the bar having a girls night this past weekend and there were a group of older couples there. The dj started playing old waltz music and they all got up and started dancing and I just watched. You could just see the love in their eyes, and it almost made me cry. These people had most likely been married for 50+ years and still looked at each other as if it were there wedding day. When it comes down to it THAT is what I want most in life. Not money or fame, but love, one of a kind ever lasting love I want to wake up every morning and smile because the person I spent the last 5 decades of my life with still gives me butterflies as if it were our first kiss. I guess I can only wait and pray that, that person is still Ben.

Mrs. B-Dub

Monday, April 12, 2010

it's sad.

I often find myself jealous of people who have there husbands with them. I think to myself they have no idea how lucky they are to be able to wake up in his arms every morning. I also created a hatred for someone who had a baby close to me and she and her husband are more worried about getting there sleep then being parents and dealing with what they decided to create. It pisses me off because both Ben and I wish he were here to be with both of us but mostly to be with his daughter.
People don't realize how selfish they are, I know I'm not perfect but I at least love my life and take care of my child rested or not. Her needs will forever be put before Ben and I's because we believe thats part of parenting, we weren't trying to have a baby but it happened and we couldn't be happier or feel more blessed.

Mrs. B-Dub

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

pain ,pain go away.

I guess to slightly explain the name of my blog. I do not think my life is terrible at all, but its also nothing close to a fairytale. I have been fortunate enough to find real,true love and also have an amazingly beautiful daughter whom I love more then words could explain. So in a way I do think of my life as a fairytale, a fucked up one that is. Such as in no fairytale has the prince[husband] ever had to leave his loved ones behind numerous times with out really knowing of a safe return.

Its weird to me Ben and I have been together for over 2 years and in that entire time we have never been together during the dates of September 11th-October 20th. I would never complain about his job or this life I knew what I was getting into when I fell in love with him. No 90% of the time it isn't fun or enjoyable but I think there is an upside to always being alone. First I do believe the military relationships that actually make it, are the strongest relationships in the entire world. We have literally been through hell and back and then back to hell numerous times and at the end of it our love is stronger as well as we as a person are stronger. Being why I love the quote "A marine wife, the fewer, the prouder, the strongest.". Also we never leave the honeymoon stage, if they're not deployed they're in the field or working 20 hour days so when we DO get to spend time with them its the best thing ever!
I don't know any other person[civilian] that could go 18+ days without a single word from there husband and still be able to smile. I wont lie it annoys me when I hear people complaining about 2 days or a week I'm like shit it MIGHT 2 weeks before a get a phone call lasting of maybe 10 minutes if he doesn't lose service and it MIGHT be 7 months until I get laid again quit your bitchin! But that's the strength of a military wife. Something I am proud to be.

Mrs. B-Dub

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

54 days.

54 days and baby girl, Dozzer, and myself board a plane and go back "home". Oddly enough I could not be more excited! Its weird how I hated that place so much when I was there but as soon as I left I couldn't wait to get back. I'm sure because I know when I go back there it wont be long before my love gets home.
I do find myself wanting to leave early though, because of his family. I really don't understand why they act the way they do. I have only met one other person my entire life that is comparably as fake as they are. I am glad I have a great memory because as soon as everything started happening all of a sudden I realized "wow this sure is familiar". Hopefully this time they have enough respect for Ben to NOT write him letters explaining how they don't like me and I'm such a terrible person. I highly doubt that though.
I'm glad I learned my lesson and will not put myself in this position ever again. He told me to ignore them and not have anything to do with them so THAT is exactly what I will do. And next deployment I will completely cut them out of my life until he gets back so this cant happen a third time.Its sad they haven't asked how Cambria is doing or even made an attempt to speak to me in any way for over 2 months, other then asking for money that is. I am now making the adult decision and saying good bye, my daughter deserves better. end of story.
On a better note I LOVE my blog Nicole did an AMAZING job!

Mrs. B-Dub

My New Blog >

~More coming soon!~
Mrs. B-Dub