Friday, July 30, 2010

If you've never been me, don't judge me.

Motherhood, possibly one of the greatest gifts God allows us as women to bare. A feeling that is impossible to explain and a love that is impossible to fade or understand.
When you become a mother or even pregnant everything changes. For me it opened my eyes not right away but eventually, I made it my own personal quest to become a better person, a better me. We all have our pasts, some worse then others. I know mine is far from perfect I have had my share of "fun" but your past does not have to dictate who you become in your future.
The day I took the three pregnancy tests that all came back positive I freaked, I didn't believe it. I guess you could say I was naive we weren't doing anything at all to stop it but I guess I figured if it were going to happen it would've long before then. Although I did not truly believe I was pregnant I did quit smoking that very day I had one last cigarette to calm me down because I was seriously freaking out and Ben was freaking out far worse then I which didn't make matters any easier. But that was my last cigarette, I did not drink, I did not go horse back riding. I tried to be the best most healthy incubator I could, even though my extreme case of morning sickness did not always allow healthy eating. Anyway I was on a mission to be the best mommy I could be, and still am.
Now on to my title, a not so positive side of becoming a mother, never ending judgment. You will never know a true person until you become pregnant, your friends fade, the advice never ends, but mostly the judgment never ends. Its come to my attention that certain female inspiration(s) in my husbands family feel the need to judge me as a parent. I was very taken back when I discovered this as these judgments were made just months after MY daughter was born, months after MY husband left to go fight a war he very easily could not have come back from. These judgments were made by someone who has yet to even ask how my daughter is for ohh the past 5 months of her life and the part that really gets to me, they were made to my husband while he was gone. For the record NO Ben has never doubted my capabilities as a parent. Now If I had been off drinking and neglecting my daughter and my duty as a parent I would understand someone involved in myself and my daughters life passing judgment however that never happened. When Ben left something changed like a switch in me I could not let our baby girl down, I could not let him down. I had to be an upstanding citizen so to speak I ditched a lot of friends I'd had for years that I felt would only delay my quest. I started hanging out with older women like 20's-30's, mostly mothers that were also married. I started working out daily sometimes twice a day and I did everything in my power to make sure my baby girl always had a smile on her face.
In my own opinion I am a damn good mother and a very good influence on my daughter. If we were all judged for our pasts God would not allow reproduction. I feel that my past has nothing to do with my parenting abilities or how much of a positive influence I am or will be. The way I see it, Ive done things but I am not ashamed, Ive learned from every choice Ive made right or wrong. And because of that I actually feel I will be a better parent, I will be able to talk to my children about what I've done and where it got me, how it affected me, and my future. I can explain to them where I realized the path I was heading in wasn't where I wanted to end up, and why and how I changed to end up where I am today.
I feel I at least can teach my children respect, and that just because you never got drunk in high school doesn't mean your a good kid. And here is my judgment I hope to never be a parent like this person, I am and will strive to continue to be better then this person. I will have enough respect for my children to want them to be happy no matter what. And in the case my child decides to join the military and end up deployed I will NEVER bother them with what ever petty bullshit I decide to pull out of my ass and intentionally start drama in their lives because I am a good person and great mom. I have been fortunate enough to have been raised by a group of amazing people with values that I will also pass onto my children with or without your consent. Another right I have as a parent.

Mrs. B-Dub

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Its finally over.[update]

At approximately 9 am July 13th I got to kiss my husband after 7 extremely long months.
Cambria and I had been waiting since 5:15 am, waiting to see the large group of men march up and play wheres waldo looking for daddy. luckily Ben actually was right in front of us when they stopped so he just had to turn around when they broke formation. It was the definitely the 3rd best day of my entire life. And the kiss was a bazillion times better then I had planned/anticipated. I wasn't able to get pictures due to my arms being full with him and baby as well as all my friends husbands were home that very moment as well so they were equally as busy but I guess that's okay. I didn't cry as much as I thought I would so the lack of mascara was a waste and Ben cried more then I thought he would[shh don't tell him I said that]. It was awesome to finally see him holding our baby though.
I have actually had that paragraph written for a couple weeks just haven't thought much to get back to it I guess. To my defense I have been slightly busy.

So an update life has been great,
I could say it hasn't been what I expected but I also didn't really know what to expect. I did have these worries of "is he still going to love me when he gets back" which I guess is a very normal worry/feeling for my circumstances[new baby and all]. But he does :) so I am worry free. Cambria absolutely loves her daddy slightly funny story about a week ago she started saying "dada" and now wont stop but we soon realized it wasn't Ben she was talking to it was her monkey, a stuffed animal I'd made for her at one of those build a bear places and her favorite toy.

Ben's leave starts tomorrow and we are staying here in good ol' Jvegas and I couldn't be more excited, we both agreed we need time without families bitching about who we are spending more time with or who didn't see Cambria enough. As well as we need time to be with each other and finally be a family. realistically before this deployment we spent less then 3 months physically together after we got married, due to him being in the field and preparing for the deployment and me moving back to Oregon to get my doctors and everything set up to have Cambria cause their original deployment date was canceled and all we were told is "be ready to deploy with 2 days notice" and there was no way in hell I was going to be stuck alone in North Carolina unable to travel due to being too far along or with a BRAND new baby. So the day he left for a month training to Virginia my mom flew out and we drove back to Oregon. Sorry for completely getting off subject, so basically we need to be a married couple and family cause we really haven't been able to.

Today we officially became coffee drinkers lol, lame I know also kind of stupid. Who in there right mind knowingly starts something that is very addicting, well other then drug addicts. I guess we are going the much less harmful and less expensive route. we were texting yesterday morning and realized how exhausted we are pretty much since he's been home, and no its not from lack of sleep ;) the latest I've stayed up is like 11. Cambria has been waking up at 5-5:30 for a bottle cause shes growing but goes right back to sleep after one of us feeds her. she normally goes to bed at 9 and gets up at 7-7:30 but Ben also gets up at 5 to get ready for work so we both wake up then anyway, and I go back to bed after he leaves so its not that big of a deal. I'm not sure if I'm getting to much sleep and that is making me more tired or what but I do not want to get out of bed in the morning and when I do I go directly to the couch and lay down while Cambria plays I even nap with her but I'm still tired and no I'm not pregnant we are being very smart about that and doing what ever we can to keep our two year plan and even if I were he's been home for 16 days..symptoms would be very unlikely[I hope].

So new subject netflix is amazing I am newly addicted to SO many tv shows; dexter, Californication, friday night lights, Ben just got me hooked on heroes, my queue is loaded with amazing cinematic adventures. If only every show/season I wanted to watch were available for instant queue it would be perfect but its just one more thing my lack of patience is having to grow for. I guess I will stop here and clean my house, even though its already clean I'll find something I'm sure. The "nesting" stage never went away after I had Cambria so I'm kind of OCD , I guess its good in case of surprise visits and general health. Hope everyone's July has been good and that August is even better :)

Mrs. B-Dub